Next week is a big week for me. It is one step closer to something I have wanted for a long time...peace, freedom and time for myself (or at least when September comes). I am registering my youngest, Colin, for Kindergarten on Monday. Yippee!! Now I can finally substitute whenever I want or maybe even try to get a full time position with the school--who knows-- but come September I am FREE! Wow, how come I feel so... sad? I have this feeling of ...oh no, once I put my baby in school, that's it, their ALL gone. I have this lump in my throat. What happened to their babyhood? What happened to the time? I thought it would last forever. The funny thing is I had wished it wouldn't. I would get so frustrated with the long nights of waking up to hungry babies, missing pacifiers, leaky diapers, cleaning bottles, trying to snap onsies on a run-away toddler, putting together all those toys, etc. Don't get me wrong I still really don't miss those days! I like them at this age. But I am afraid that if it is moving this fast--how much faster can it go? For instance the other day when Colin came to sit on my lap and had rested his head on my shoulder I thought to myself--soon he will be too big for this just like Curt. I thought to myself "I wonder when the actual day was that Curt did sit on my lap like this for the last time". If we all knew when and if those times were going to be the last we would surely treasure that moment more. I would have memorized the smell of Curt's hair and his little hands and legs. I would have held tighter and longer, savoring every moment. Now he is a big 5'3 4th grader who no longer snuggles up to me...that time is forever gone. Did I enjoy it enough? Did I take for granted when he called me "mommy". It makes me think of a Steven Curtis Chapman song--I love the words to this song:
There is only ONE who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history
and He has given us a treasure called right now
and this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
and let it go, let it go,
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat.
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
I will make it through the registration on Monday. But I am sure I will be one of the moms you see on the first day of Kindergarten crying --after all he is my baby. Even when he is too big to snuggle in my lap I just might have to make him ;)
Oh we were thinking the same thing!!! Too funny, but oh so true. They grow up fast. And I think the fact that Ty and Curt are so tall for their ages makes it seem even faster!! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post Diane, I could really relate.
Hope that kindergarten reg. goes well. :)
Wish we could do coffee together sometime.....in the meantime we will have to do cyber coffee. :)
Time does go by so fast. I remember when Curt and Brianna were little, and Emma was a year old, talking like crazy on Halloween. I cannot believe Curt is as tall as I am. Stay strong, it will get easier. Love ya :-)
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